This is a story of my personal experience with pregnancy, infertility and loss. With such a sensitive subject at the topic of conversation please be aware that this may trigger your own feelings or experiences and to only read on if you feel you are in a good place to do so.
Years down the line this still feels quite raw, I believe that trauma can become trapped and stored in the body and if not dealt with can cause illness and disease. The act of writing this story down, and taking everything that's been in my head and heart for such a long time has been quite therapeutic. So here goes...
Before I begin, I want to stress how I have so much to be so grateful for in life including a wonderful husband and two happy and healthy children, and I am very aware that not everyone has this privilege. I wish for my story to be empowering but please be aware that the topics I write about are very traumatic. I hope that some of the information included here in my story could be helpful, educational and most of all bring hope.
As with so many women I meet, my life so far has been a little bit of a rollercoaster of a ride when it comes to reproductive and gynaecological health. Over the past 20 years I have lost count of the amount of scans and investigations, along with surgeries and most frustratingly - mis-diagnosis.
It began with unexplained painful, heavy periods from the get-go, one-sided sharp pelvic pain and sciatica. The pain could not be medically pinpointed to a specific area or bodily function but I always had a strong instinct it was my womb and ovaries where there was something that just wasn't quite right. During this time came the mis-diagnosis of IBS, food intolerance testing, investigation of cancer, a colonoscopy, endoscopy, countless pelvic examinations and ultrasound scans. But the doctors would always draw a blank.
This all went on throughout my 20's and I was prescribed the contraceptive pill (which just sent me loopy) - I tried many. Plus some strong medication which I later stopped taking due to the side effects of infertility, that I ironically stumbled across written in the information leaflet.
Surprisingly and what felt miraculous I conceived my first child at 26 without any problems. The pregnancy was pretty traumatic with hyperemesis gravidarum all the way through meaning I spent some time in hospital on a drip and was permanently signed off work. It was a really rough pregnancy but I was also excited about meeting our first born child which brought light to all the difficult symptoms.
When in labour, as is quite often the usual story, not everything went to plan. Skipping to the point where I was in the birthing suite ready for a water birth with mood lighting and listening to calming music, it all felt quite magical despite the pain. My waters had not gone so had to be broken by the midwife when meconium was discovered in the amniotic fluid meaning my baby was in distress, I reluctantly had to leave and head to the labour ward where I could be monitored more closely and given an IV to speed up the labour.
The midwife caring for me there seemed distracted and uninterested, she was rude and dismissive of my pain and hadn't noticed my baby's heart rate dropping. I must stress before I carry on that I was very unlucky in this scenario, and the majority of people I know have such a positive experience with their midwife and hospital care.
As the moment came to begin pushing, I was suddenly told to 'stop pushing' as my baby's heart rate began to drop quite significantly, if you've been in labour and have been given induction medication you'll know how impossible this is! The emergency button was hit by my husband and a crowd of doctors appeared with an ultrasound machine to see what was happening. Much to the shock of everyone in the room my baby was found to be both in a back to back and breech position meaning I couldn't give birth naturally. This should have been identified countless times, before it got to that late stage where both of our lives were now at risk. From that second, I was what felt like blue lighted in a wheelchair through the labour ward, up in the hospital lift and straight into theatre where I was given a spinal block and a touch and go emergency c-section, surrounded by a sea of doctors. It was very quick and our son had to be recussitated for several minutes after birth.
We both made it through but the days that followed bought with it very mixed emotions of how my first few days with him should have been and how they were in reality. I was in an exhausted baby bubble, elated but the impact of the shock and trauma we had both faced got buried and not dealt with.
And breathe...
Some years passed, the traumatic memories faded and we decided to try for a second baby. The journey of 'secondary infertility' which means that you struggle to become pregnant or carry a baby to full term following a previous normal pregnancy, began with some months of 'trying' and when we did finally fall pregnant I suffered an ectopic pregnancy. I was awash with a gut instinct that something wasn't right. I began noticing unusual symptoms and had taken myself to A&E for 5 days in a row before the ectopic pregnancy was eventually diagnosed. This resulted in emergency surgery under a general anaesthetic and the loss of not only my baby but one of my Fallopian tubes where implantation had occurred.
Symptoms of an ectopic pregnancy can be similar to miscarriage with severe cramping pain and bleeding or spotting following a positive pregnancy test some weeks earlier, but with the exception of a few unique warning signs. You can experience 'shoulder tip' pain, abdominal pain and have abnormal hormone levels picked up through a blood test. The HCG and progesterone levels are low and don't climb as quickly compared to a uterine pregnancy. Symptoms tend to appear around the 6-8 week mark and if left undiagnosed and untreated the growing embryo and tube can rupture and the outcome can be fatal for the mother. I was thankful I listened to my gut, I was so lucky to be alive, but the trauma and grief was hugely overwhelming.
Over the years I tried everything I could to increase my fertility and decrease my stress levels which led me to explore holistic and alternative therapies such as reflexology, acupuncture, the use of herbs, supplements and crystals. Wether it was the healing benefits, creating balance, clearing energy blockages, decreasing stagnant ill-health in the body and evidently a huge release of physical and psychological trauma; or the relaxation element. Perhaps it was the impact it had on my mental health, that feeling that I was doing something positive and proactive to reach our goal. Most likely, it was all of these things combined that helped us to eventually conceive.
Our journey continued with another year afterwards of recurrent miscarriage, unexplained infertility and the exploration of IVF, wondering how we were going to pay for it all. It came to a point where after another miscarriage I gave up hope entirely, before we were blessed with another pregnancy - a girl, our little rainbow.
The pregnancy was a little less symptomatic than the first however still worrying due to first trimester bleeding, which can be common and deemed normal, but unsettling with memories of everything that had taken place before. It's incredible how when you are finally blessed with what you wanted you can still feel riddled with anxiety and worry.
This time round I opted for an elective caesarean section, such invasive surgery wasn't something I was comfortable with but at the time, overcome with fear of a repeat performance I felt it was my only option. It was during this procedure after our daughter had been born that the surgeon identified endometriosis. This confirmed my suspicions and explained all the years of painful symptoms, finally I had some answers.
We named our daughter after my now late grandmother and gave her the middle name 'Hope'. After everything she could not encompass that word anymore for us if she tried.
Endometriosis affects 10% of women globally and is an inflammatory disease where tissue similar to that of the endometrium grows outside the womb, in and around the pelvic cavity. This disease can cause pain, heavy periods, infertility, scar tissue, ectopic pregnancies, gut issues, fatigue and so on.
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My path of healing is still ongoing, but against all odds, through the setbacks, pain and uncertainty I feel so fortunate to be where I am now. Just because you have a diagnosis or a health condition it doesn't mean that you can't do anything to reverse some of your symptoms and begin to heal your body. What is meant for you will find a way.
I have learnt that life is about finding balance between positivity whilst also being realistic, which is really hard to do. I can empathise with how frustratingly slow it is to receive all the answers you so desperately want and need to help move forward, but I would always encourage a positive mindset and healthy lifestyle to keep stress on the body and mind at a minimum.
Through holistic and medical research, practice and shere persistence, I feel educated, empowered and here to help you with your own path to fertility and pregnancy. Although no two stories are the same I can relate to feelings you may be experiencing with a warm, empathetic and understanding attitude.
I see you, and I feel you.
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All of this bought me to where I am today in my business with the main goal of supporting other women in need. Both skin and women's health is my area of deep knowledge however I treat many women for other health conditions such as IBS, auto-immune diseases, anxiety, depression, during and post pregnancy, through grief, trauma and PTSD, to name a few. All of these things can be detrimental to our fertility so it is important your health is addressed as a whole whatever your goal.
There are so many complimentary practices, lifestyle and nutrition changes we can implement that positively impact our reproductive health long before you may even be thinking about starting a family or whilst in the depths of infertility and recurrent loss, so please always, always keep hope.
If you'd like to book in for a Fertility consultation please message me directly to arrange a chat where I can advise the best treatment plan for you.
Thank you so much for reading this. It was an emotional one to begin the series of blogs with but I felt it had to be shared to give a basis of understanding. I promise not every post will tug at the heart strings quite so much.
Much love,
Hayley xxx
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